* * * This was yesterday:

"Thank you for calling Weasel Works Inc. To continue in English, please press 8.
You have reached the help line. If you know your party's extension you may press it now. Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line: One of our representatives will be with you shortly."

Six bars of a hungover breathy vocalist in an echo chamber.

"Thank you for holding, someone will be with you momentarily. "

Breathy finishes her loop.

"At the close of this call we invite you to participate in a brief survey. Weasel Works values your input. Please hold the line, your representative will be with you shortly."

Another trio of loops. Non-calming, calming muzak. Four minutes.

"Thank you for holding. Your patience is appreciated. This call may be monitored for quality assurance. "

Is anythang NOT monitored these days?

"Hello. Thank you for calling Weasel Works. My name is Wih-wo. I am happy to be of assistance. May I have you name pwease?

Mrs. Cracker.

"How are you today, Mrs. Cwacker?

Uh, fine. An,' thas' CRrr-acker.

"Well, mam, that's good to hear. I am pweased that your day is going so nii-i."

Thanks. Um, didn't catch yore name, did'ja say Wih-woe?

"Yes, my American name is Wi-wo. Like the tree. I will assist you today. What may I do for you?"

Interesting. Well, I needed to ---

"Whatever you need, it's my pweasure to assist you today, Mrs. Cwacker, how may I be of help?"

I need to--

"Mrs. Cwacker, I am vewy saw-we, may I ask you to hold for a moment? Just a moment, pwease."

uh, well--

"Thank you. Pwease hold."

Grrrr! Why do they do this? People need jobs ya' know--hire more customer service reps, for Pete's sake! No wonder China is soaring to 5.3% GDP, half their workforce ain't sittin' on hold.

Ok, relax, Aunty. Jes' scan the news feed:

The dollar down, Vancouver real estate is up. (Why in the heck is them Chinese immis so in luv wif' Vancouver anyway?) Hamas is staging another riot via Facebook. Heh. Facebook is a Weapon of Mass Deception.

Rupert's 3rd wife is buyin' up Russian contemporary art...gag this new stuff is dumber than Rothko.

Wih-woe? hello? Oh Willow? C'mon, lady, puh-leeeze...ain't got all mornin' fer this...

Men are contracting mouth cancers five times more than in 1970...oh man, this Weiner jerk...din't he learn nuthin' from Ahrno? Wait, ya know what? I'm sorry. If ya's born a Weiner ya' know from babyhood not to give people an excuse. Jes' sayin'.

Boeing hacked, Gmail phished, Serbians protest Mladic's arrest, Aussies want Syrians arrested, Germans are dying from E. coli cucumbers...

Hello? He-LOOOOH? HELL-oh, Hell--

"Mrs Cwacker?"

O. hello, I thought you forgot me. I was about to press 9 for the operator.

"Thank you for holding, mam. Now I am able to assist you."

Well, thas' good ' cause I called today wif' a question--

"Saw-wee, mam, before we begin, may I update your information, pwease. "

Uh, no. I mean, it's the same. No changes. Now, I needed to--

"Saw-we, but pwease. I do need to update our records. It's for your benefit, mam."

No it's not. It doesn't benefit me.

"Excuse me? I just need to ask you a few questions, Mrs. Cwacker."

CRRRRRrr-acker. Thas' c-RACK-er.

"I am sorry you are having difficulty, now, pwease, if I may begin--"

I'm having difficulty?

beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep

What is that noise?

"Noise? No noise, Mam, there are just a few questions for our records."

No! No, wait, Willow, I called you for a specific need but you --

"Mam, this is no pwoblem, pwease now, very short questions--"

NO WILLOW! Sorry, but look, I really do not have time for this. I called
with a specific --

beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep

"It's important to me that you are a satisfied customer of Weasel Works, Mrs. Cwacker. I understand you want to--"

Did you hear that? There IS a noise. A beep.

"...ask about your account, but that will be a much smoother process if you will kindly awow me to update our--"

Willow, pronounce yore els. Even Crackers pronounce they els! Git it? ALaLaLaLLLow.

"Saw-wy mam. Now, is your number still--"

Stop! Listen: I'm not a rude person but I did not call to give you information but to get information. The information you have on me is current, OK? So-

beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep

"Mam, mam. Pwease, do not distress yourself. Our desire is to be of assistance and I will help you in one moment if you can be patient, pwease, so I can do the the vewy best for you. Now, I ask only --"

What is that noise? I know ya' hear it. beep beeeeep. Hear that? Don't pretend ya' doan hear it.

"...that you answer a--"

Stop. Willow, let's begin with why I'se callin' Weasel Works in the first place, shall we? It is a matter of the pecking order--an' I am first.

I'se the customer.
Them's the rules. Now--

"I am vewy sawee Mrs Cwacker, but I must ask you to pwease remain calm so that I may assist you. I can help you. "

beep beep beep beep beep.

Listen Wih-woe, this line is recorded, right? GREAT! Now listen up recorder ears, I am beyond aggravated. Did'ja git that? The whole sloshing country is circling the drain and it is very probable that it began here!

beep beep beep beep

No, really. I mean it. Decent People call here, tryin' to git one leeetle ole' question answered and they go stark raving ballistic listening to Wih-woe try to deflect us from our goal--doan ya' know how hard most of us work to keep our focus? There are whole books written on keeping our focus. It's the path to success. BUT NOoooooo, Wih-woe is sent to deflect Americans by keepin' them on hold until their brains is Muzaked an' runnin' out they ears. Listen, that is probably what happened to that Weiner man, he jes' got so BORED waiting on hold he started using his phone in, ah, funny ways. Listen, I know what you are thinkin' but doan go there, 'cause millions of Americans are on hold right now in their underwear--gracious, I mahself is batiste, so doan think it ain't normal-- akshully really cool people do it-- but the longer youse on hold wif' a voice wif' no els ya' start to wonder whar' the real world is. See whar' I am goin' with this? Y'all is causing existential crisis.

Oh ferGIT it! Iffin' I wanna have this much fun I can just call the Nestle Hotline


R.Powers said...

Whoa, that Cuban coffee is strong stuff Aunty.
Best have tea tomorrow morning.

I smiled during the Nestle "cooties" adice. I still remember being in 3rd grade and having a big 6th grade girl throw my bike in the ditch after I hollerd that she had cooties.

I guess she showed me.

Of course, I punched my bike to remove any cootie infection after I dragged it out of the drainage ditch.

darkfoam said...

ach!! for a second i thought you were addressing fellow bloggers

Karl said...

Good afternoon Aunty Belle,

This would be a very funny post, if it weren't so true. I hope you finally got satisfaction. If you didn't stop buying their product and make sure you let them know, why you stop buying their product.

The Nestle clip was good for a grin.

darkfoam said...

anyway ... how is your day? (asked very hesitantly)

Aunty Belle said...

aw, I know ya wuz a cootie magnet from third grade on....


Well, Karl almost qualifies, only he is sincere.


in the real conversation thar' was a real Wih Woe. I had to ask fer her sopervisor who wuzn't much better. But mercy, folks--is ANYthing I said in there true? I mean--how many hours does we spend on hold in a year? really now?


very politely, mah day be purty good--the deadline is gone (yea! article in an' up) so I had time to gussie the house some--clean up mah mess from racin' deadline :(

AN' Foamy, I DOES CARE about YORE day. How be it? School almost over fer ya ?

darkfoam said...

let me just say this .. yesterday prepping for a colonoscopy. today having the procedure and dealing with being bloated and gassy as a consequence ..

darkfoam said...

congrats on your haiku win, btw!!

Sharon Rudd said...

Oh, golly, when I read your headline, I was afraid your question was about tatanka. Tatanka = buffalo. Saw some big horn sheep too. Clearly I've been having a better week than you have :) Hang in there, Aunty,

xoxo, eggy

Aunty Belle said...

Sorry, Sugar, tha jes' ain't fun. Hope they found ever'thang wuz intact. Well, thas' it fer the next five years, I hope.
Tomorry will be better. Please be sure to enter a funny bone Haiku--ya wanna win the prize, the label will be especially meaningful to ya', Foamy. IN fact, send me a mailin' address an I will send ya some jes' 'cause I love ya so!!


Buffalo! Wow--I has eaten beefalo. Oh, wait. Onc't in Wyoming I did eat a bison steak.

sounds as if yore sojourn in SD wuz wunnerful.

chickory said...

oh boy. im having PTSD reading this. Hilarous Aunty!! You got their spleel exactly right.

I hate, with a white hot fury, this system. its meant to make you give up. I always say to my guy (and let me just say this, AT and T are the Anti-CHrist. the d*cks in charge of my DSL in ATL) when he starts reading off his prepared sheet of things to do - i say: Stop talking. I did every obvious troubleshooting before I called you. I just need the network pass to be reset or whatever. My last guy was "chris". i say, whats your indian name. oh. Raj. yeah. You worried at all about radioactivity from fukushima floating down to india? Kick me up to second tier support por favor. My frustration with call centers have resulted in some very unpleasant evenings at home. Poor V is the only one there to absorb it. awful.

next time you call in use pig latin on them. or tell knock knock jokes. grrrhahahahaha

fun post aunty - if it werent for the anxiety it caused

Anonymous said...

Regarding Vancouver, they wisely and doggedly sought entreprenurial billionaire immigrants from Capitalist Hong-Kong during the change-over to Commie Rule. Those billionaires first choice was the USA and The People's Republic of California but they found the business climate there too harshly treated by Government.

I suspect most of the immigration since has been ordinary Chinese seeking a better life in a place where the Billionaires established a foothold and operate businesses.

The alarm company I chose for the Parental Units boasts having an All-American Help-Center while pointing out that their competitors outsource.

Mama Troll: A gaggle of Generation Yo! Cretins are having a "Flash Riot" on my lawn and I don't want to have to shoot them. Send the Police.

Call Center: Hello, I am Jargdish, in order for ABC Alarm to give you pleasant day, I must ask you for your 22 digit code and mother's maiden name and...

Mama Troll: Nevermind.


Aunty Belle said...

panic mode day heah--BUT

I love what all ya has said--will be back to comment in deth later, Chcic9's kickin' it back to 'em amd MAMA TROLL RULES!!

meanwhile I LOVE hearin' yore own call center (cell center?) encounters.
What? no takers on the idea that sittin' on hold interminably can cause mass neurosis?

Feelin' better Foamy??

Pam said...

GERRRRHAHAHAHHAHA. Oh you had me rolling on this one. Have been a victim NUMEROUS times to this routine. I have taken to hanging up if I find myself in India or elsewhere (telephonically speaking) and then trying to find a local rep. It is all so frustrating.
And note to Troll: I want to hear more about Mama Troll one day!

fishy said...

Oh my goodness! We all have suffered versions of this new form of "customer irritation service". They absolutely want you to hang up and use the website. My last one of these, I kept getting the recording about 'your call will be answered in the order in which it was received'. Then, 'we expect to have a representative with you in 8 minutes'. Then it was 22 minutes and so on with lots of irritating music in between. Aaaaaggggghhhhh!

I think, next time you go to giving out a prize, you could make it bubble wrap.

Aunty Belle said...

SO, Chick9 ?

Ya jes' gonna let me throw Rothko under the bus? I'se surpised.

Troll Man,
Very interesting point on Chines in Vancouver--iffin' ya know what them Chinese is headed next, I'd appreciate a heads-up-mah Rela Estate holdin' need a beefing up, ya know? I can pay ya fer yore tip--pay is top grade Pork Rinds.

I "weaseled" a laugh outa ya? YEA! I wuz hopin' folks found this funny, but mebbe it is too close to truth fer anybody to git the amusement part.

I'se takin' to tellin folks "Sorry I cain't function today. It's buuble wrap time."

Aw, Fishy, din't ya laugh a wee leetle bit?

I'se trying to amuse folks up as prep for FUNNY BONE Haiku on Monday at TROLLSTROLL.blogspot.com