ain't anybody heah

"Shet the door, Elmer. Dern it's dark in heah."

"Looky thar', Ruby, Aunty's computer is closed up an' unplugged. She ain't been back yet?"

"How's I know, Elmer? She ain't been in touch wif' nobody. Jemma over ter the Qwik Pik say she aint even stopped in fer milk. Reckon thas' so since the bird feeders is empty. Nobody seen Aloysius either. An' flip that light back off. Doan want no neighbors seein' us in heah does ya?"

"Ruby, what'd ya think on doin'? Why IS we heah? Cain't be to drop off no soup since ya ain't boiled water in a week. Why's we sneakin' up Aunty's Back Porch like thieves?"

"Elmer ain't ya been readin' them blogs? The Troll is blue, hardly hittin' a lick, the Dawg is gone, G. O. N. E. Pulled the plug on the dawg yard. Doom ain't been by fer ages, Moi an' Karl ain't done much 'cept movie Wednesday, nor Boxer neither. Or Buzz--an heck, BuzzK done a movie clip from No Country--ya know how iffin' she could Aunty would have a word on that choice.

"Fishy swam off in a fizz an ain't broke no surface in weeks, PamOKC wisely nixed Project Runway fer this episode, an her baby chile done gone silent since Wednesday--ain't natural I say. Ain't seen Florida Cracker or Shamu or La Diva Cucina fer more'n a week. TOO quiet for yakky folks like bloggers. Why that Chickory lets comments pile up then gives a corporate one liner...I jes' ain't got a good feelin', thas' all. Somethin' done hit them bloggy people. Ain't rightly knowin' what, since I ain't no blogger, but I did like to read 'em. Yeah, I did sorta like ter see the flaps they'd git into, the cleveah barbs, the banter made fer good readin'.

"Elmer, I know these ain't mah friends, but I jes' whis't I knowed whas' wrong wif ever'body.

" I was thinkin' mebbe I could git in Aunty's computer an' ya' know--jes' kinda leave a hint, a footprint or somethin' to start folks chattin' up again. Iffin' I'se honest, I'se a lurker who's been havin' fun watchin' all the comin's and goin's n' now I'se worriet whar they all's gone. AN' I hate to think how upset Aunty will be to find thangs done gone south round heah."

"Ruby, git yore hands offa Aunty's computer--ain't enough twine in town to stitch ya back
together after what Aunty might do iffin' she come in heah an catch ya' red handed!"

"Elmer, I got it! I GOT IT! How about I mess wif' they minds? Ya know--I could impersonate Aunty an' tell 'em wild thangs--like how Troll an Uncle is gun runners off the coast, supplyin' the Venezuelan Resistance, an how Boxer binges on bling an' BBQ ribs while pretendin' she's a minimalist vegematarian, or Karl an' an Kymmie done run-off in a yellow submarine to the chagrin of Ms. Karl and Mr. Kymical? Foamy is runnin' a artist's commune in the Apppalacians --AN' how Fishy is really Ardlair's interior designer lover, while Moi's Loosiana SugarBaby dragged her off to the swamp to open the Cajun Cafe? That Shamu wears a squirrel fur poncho to culinary events that she reviews fer Underground KC? An' FC is runnin' fer sherriff over in Chiefland? Sayre an' Sophie Mae is runnin' his campaign. PamOKC told off Simon Cowell's producers so AI fired him! Next she's gonna straighten out Project Runway. Huh? how 'bout that? What'd'ya think Elmer?"

"I think ya fergot K9. What about him?"

" K9 is a her even iffin' fer years folks thought he 'were a Black fella. She morphed into a Chicken Lady roamin' through the woods wif' Nephew skulkin' behind her. Now see Elmer? Thas' what I mean--shake 'em up some so they git a good froth goin' again. Let's mess wif they minds...what wild speculation shall we upload on Aunty's page?"

"Ruby, folks can take care of theyselves. Let's not meddle none. Jes' let 'em be.
c'mon... I'll buy ya a beer at Soakie's ."



darkfoam said...

ruby and elmer,

wish i was runnin' an artist commune. seems i've pulled an 'uncle' about a month ago. major pack pain, pinched nerve for sure, possibly a herniated disk, but i'm not finding the herniated disk part out for sure since the request for an mri has been denied twice. i qualify for an mri in 60 days counting from the 17th on. in the meantime i'm on pain pills, either laying flat with laptop on chest or standing. sitting is impossible.

so, that's what has been happening here. oh, and while i'm going through this mr foam has been dealing with kidney stones the size of marbles.

darkfoam said...

but, you all send my regards to aunty. i've been missing her posts. but this one was quite etertaining though.

Big Shamu said...

I hope you're happy. I've spent a better part of the evening searching for the hidden video camera that ratted out my squirrel poncho project. I hope you're happy...you've ruined K-9's gift...

Pam said...

Auntie, uh, I mean Elmer & Ruby, ya'll just created a bunch of blog gossip worth hearing! Glad to see signs of intrigue going on at the porch!

Thomonde said...

Elmer and Ruby, Buzz Kill's busy laying low to keep the Clintons from sending him to Haiti to reinstall Aristide.

R.Powers said...

How'd you know? I need a good campaigh manager. It's gonna be sticky, I work a few classrooms down from the current Sheriff's wife.


Jenny said...

Oh Aunty! I was just thinking the same thing yesterday.... where's our commmnity? Where's Gnome, too?

*sigh* Life has a way of smacking us all at the same time, perhaps?

And now that I've spit my coffee out after reading the true lives of the bloggers, I can promise that the only BBQ I eat is the kind from tofu that's been shaped into something that looks like ribs. But you know what? I always knew there was something "fishy" about Fishy and now I know! She IS Ardlair's secret Interior Designer Lover.

I got my Friday post up late Friday night, but I'm here. I promise.

I hope you're well, Aunty. The blackness of your blog concerns me. xoxoxo.

Buzz Kill said...

I think the snow has a lot to do with what's going on with us northerners and mid-westerners. It just slows everybody and everything down. We actually had a good melt-off today and I can see grass for the first time in 3 weeks. But thanks for thinking of all of us and for trying to get a fire started under our butts.

And I hope Aunty's word on NCFOM would be that it is a favorite movie. Boxer has us doing comedy this week and I think that will get everyone laughing and jawin' again. Don't worry about me going to Haiti either - the Mrs won't have it.

fishy said...

neglect to pack one little power cord and the entire blogger community goes awry?

No MM? No PNW films? No K9? No PR snarking? No postings from the Porches? Squirrel couture and political Florida natives?????

Ardlair sends love from our newly feathered nest.

boneman said...

well, dang. Still don't think much of the politickin' but I've used that "steak" recipe twice now, and I don't think I've had more fun!
I LOVE making smoke in the kitchen!
(you probably heard about using the smoke alarm for a timer, right?)

But still ain't home...

Well, if it's too far along, those dead flowers on the porch are from me.
I tend to pick wildflowers to visit gals.

Big Shamu said...

Squirrel Couture is the new Black.

moi said...

Sorry, Aunty! I was off in the wilds of my home town helping my step dad sort through more of my mom's stuff and eating myself silly at the local restaurants.

I'm back and glad to see YOU'RE BACK!

Karl said...

Good afternoon Ruby and Elmer,

Not that I would do anything to hurt Ms. Karl's feeling, but since your stir'n the pot. I have to say, I sure got the best of what floated to the top.

Could you please pass on to Aunty Belle, how much we would enjoy an update.

Jenny said...

Dear Ruby and Elmer,

It would be nice if you cleaned up a bit while you're visiting Aunty's. She's been gone so long I bet there's dust bunnies (or squirrels) EVERYWHERE.

h said...

Now I know where the heck Ruby and Elmer came from.

Kymical Reactions said...

Ruby, Elmer... you just tell Auntie that she's missed, and not a one of us can hardly wait til she gets back. We love that lil lady. Ruby, would you mind making her a homemade pie of her favorite filling, and signing it with love from her bloggers? Let me know what it cost ya, and where to send a check to pay ya back for your time and materials.

Thanks doll. :)