ain't anybody heah

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"Shet the door, Elmer. Dern it's dark in heah."


"Looky thar', Ruby, Aunty's computer is closed up an' unplugged. She ain't been back yet?"

"How's I know, Elmer? She ain't been in touch wif' nobody. Jemma over ter the Qwik Pik say she aint even stopped in fer milk. Reckon thas' so since the bird feeders is empty. Nobody seen Aloysius either. An' flip that light back off. Doan want no neighbors seein' us in heah does ya?"

"Ruby, what'd ya think on doin'? Why IS we heah? Cain't be to drop off no soup since ya ain't boiled water in a week. Why's we sneakin' up Aunty's Back Porch like thieves?"

"Elmer ain't ya been readin' them blogs? The Troll is blue, hardly hittin' a lick, the Dawg is gone, G. O. N. E. Pulled the plug on the dawg yard. Doom ain't been by fer ages, Moi an' Karl ain't done much 'cept movie Wednesday, nor Boxer neither. Or Buzz--an heck, BuzzK done a movie clip from No Country--ya know how iffin' she could Aunty would have a word on that choice.

"Fishy swam off in a fizz an ain't broke no surface in weeks, PamOKC wisely nixed Project Runway fer this episode, an her baby chile done gone silent since Wednesday--ain't natural I say. Ain't seen Florida Cracker or Shamu or La Diva Cucina fer more'n a week. TOO quiet for yakky folks like bloggers. Why that Chickory lets comments pile up then gives a corporate one liner...I jes' ain't got a good feelin', thas' all. Somethin' done hit them bloggy people. Ain't rightly knowin' what, since I ain't no blogger, but I did like to read 'em. Yeah, I did sorta like ter see the flaps they'd git into, the cleveah barbs, the banter made fer good readin'.

"Elmer, I know these ain't mah friends, but I jes' whis't I knowed whas' wrong wif ever'body.

" I was thinkin' mebbe I could git in Aunty's computer an' ya' know--jes' kinda leave a hint, a footprint or somethin' to start folks chattin' up again. Iffin' I'se honest, I'se a lurker who's been havin' fun watchin' all the comin's and goin's n' now I'se worriet whar they all's gone. AN' I hate to think how upset Aunty will be to find thangs done gone south round heah."

"Ruby, git yore hands offa Aunty's computer--ain't enough twine in town to stitch ya back
together after what Aunty might do iffin' she come in heah an catch ya' red handed!"

"Elmer, I got it! I GOT IT! How about I mess wif' they minds? Ya know--I could impersonate Aunty an' tell 'em wild thangs--like how Troll an Uncle is gun runners off the coast, supplyin' the Venezuelan Resistance, an how Boxer binges on bling an' BBQ ribs while pretendin' she's a minimalist vegematarian, or Karl an' an Kymmie done run-off in a yellow submarine to the chagrin of Ms. Karl and Mr. Kymical? Foamy is runnin' a artist's commune in the Apppalacians --AN' how Fishy is really Ardlair's interior designer lover, while Moi's Loosiana SugarBaby dragged her off to the swamp to open the Cajun Cafe? That Shamu wears a squirrel fur poncho to culinary events that she reviews fer Underground KC? An' FC is runnin' fer sherriff over in Chiefland? Sayre an' Sophie Mae is runnin' his campaign. PamOKC told off Simon Cowell's producers so AI fired him! Next she's gonna straighten out Project Runway. Huh? how 'bout that? What'd'ya think Elmer?"

"I think ya fergot K9. What about him?"

" K9 is a her even iffin' fer years folks thought he 'were a Black fella. She morphed into a Chicken Lady roamin' through the woods wif' Nephew skulkin' behind her. Now see Elmer? Thas' what I mean--shake 'em up some so they git a good froth goin' again. Let's mess wif they minds...what wild speculation shall we upload on Aunty's page?"

"Ruby, folks can take care of theyselves. Let's not meddle none. Jes' let 'em be.
c'mon... I'll buy ya a beer at Soakie's ."

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