Hush yore mouf!

We had a misty mornin', sorta Monet-like. A cool, vapory dreamscape whar' ya hear voices, but doan see no bodies until they's up yore front steps.

"Sorry Missus Belle, I did not mean to startle you, mam."

I step out the door an' smile, "Well, hidy TQ, what brung ya' near thisaway afore the milkman?"

"You are very funny Aunty--milkman. How long since there has been a milkman in Crackerville?
Oh!! I AM sorry. Oh no! I have done it again. How clumsy can a fella be? I apologize. I just wasn't thinking. Please excuse me."

I peered at him wif' a mite bit o' puzzlement. Then I said, "Honey, what does ya have to apologize fer? An' is them pickles youse holdin' fer me and Uncle?"

The fair haired young fella relaxed an' give up a wry smile. "Oh! Yes, the pickles are from Missus Walker who wanted to thank you for the pint of cherry tomatoes and the cucumbers Uncle dropped off at the dry cleaners for her. I was headed this way, so Missus Walker asked if I could bring these by for y'all. She said your tomatoes was like tomato candy." He held out the jar of Mazie Walker's legendary bread an' butter pickles.

"Thanky," I said. "now, what was ya apologizin' fer, Sugar?"

He looked down at the floor. "Well...that crack about the milkman. I did not mean to say that you are so old that...well, that...uh...Sorry, mam, I just need to hush my mouth before I say anything else offensive. I am always doing that lately."

I suppressed a smile, "Who else has ya offended wif' that dreadful mouf of yores, TQ?"

He sank a little lower into his hips, his shoulders sagged off to one side. Seems like he sucked in half the mist, he drew such a big breath.

"Well, mam, Carey Beth won't return my phone calls on account of me saying I did not want to have dinner with Sue Ellen and Jed if Sue Ellen was cooking. All I said was that Cajun tofu was not my idea of a good dinner and vegetarians made life too adventuresome for us carnivores."

After recoverin' mah own snicker' I said, "I doan see nuthin' wrong wif that."

"Me either, but Carey Beth said she 'could not endure a bigoted insensitive oaf' like me."

I almost laughed again', but I seen his distress. "Why TQ, iffin' she called you a 'bigoted oaf,' warn't she bein' insensitive?"

"No mam. The rules appear to be that if they call you a bigot, that allows most any other label to be stuck on you. Bigots don't have feelings, according to Carey Beth."

His shoulders slumped lower, "Did you know Carey and I were almost engaged? Now she won't see me. I was only trying to make a little jest out of Sue Ellen's cooking. I don't know any man who doesn't try to get out of an invitation to her kitchen. Last time we were over there she plopped a cactus bush on my plate, it was oozing some sand-like stuff. Carciofi couscous she said. It doesn't mean I wish her harm or would not be pleased as punch to go hiking or play cards with Sue Ellen and Jed. I just thought I'd put a little humor into something everybody does--turn down Sue Ellen's twigs and nut dinners."

Well, now y'all, I couldn't stifle another giggle.

"And my own Mama is scrunched faced with me too. When Rolly McGuire brought home that English dog with the smashed faced, all I said was it was a good match. Hell's bells, mam', Rolly thought it funny, but mama is pis...ah, furious at me for saying what is so obvious that not saying it is like an awkward sound in the room.

"I am done with it, Aunty. There is no humor left in the world when folks has a right to be all sensitive over an ingrown toenail. We are going to be the most stale, dull folks.

"I hate sensitivity, Aunty, it's anti-reality."


K9 said...

you got that right. i call it "tyranny lite" all the restrictions of law, but without. fight the power! say a zinger out loud today!

Leon Basin said...

That is awesome! No Chitchatting is what the poster says.. I love that for some reason. Makes me think how our rights get taken away so quickly.. Nice post!!!

foam said...

well .. you know .. there are those truthful zingers that are witty and funny and hopefully all laugh, and then there are the insults that are boorish and inappropriate and meant to hurt feelings on purpose.

Malinda777 said...

Well Aunty...one of my OLD sayin's has now certainly come more true in this economy.

No woman likes to hear bad talk 'bout her cookin', BUT...I tell my men folk (hubby & 2 sons...the girlfriends just have ta join in...matter of draw of the straw :)

Looky here..."Here's what's on the table, and it's new...I never made it before, was experimentin' Iffun you DON'T like it...SAY SO NOW...as I can concoct anything...so if you DON'T say it's bad NOW...you's most likely gonna have it again one day!"

If the folks don't like the Cajun tofu and would rather have some gumption in their meal...then Sue Ellen ought to make SOMETHING ELSE when the company is comin' over! OR...the favored company clostest to her ought to be friendly enough to say..."Sue Ellen...folks by large DON'T like this so make something NORMAL when you're havin' company!

She can enjoy her Cajun tofu at home alone, (or when JUST in the company of the husband that is bound to eat SOME of what we put in front of 'em)...along with her mint julep...

Folks don't always LIKE all what we like...I make some CRAZY SHIT that I LOVE, but I eat it all by myself in heaven when other folks don't like it...like my 3-olive salsa/salami/cream cheese spread that I make from scratch with some chopped tomato, fresh garlic and it spreads on a toasty bit like a champ...but some folks DON'T LIKE it :)

Women are too prone to harmonal disappointment these days I tell ya!

All spellin' aside, I think I speak for most NORMAL Southern women. We can pout over sadness over cookin' while we're ironing some other day!

When you are having a gathering...TRY to produce a table fit for kings and items on that table that MEN are most likely to enjoy!!!

Call me crazy!

Romany Angel said...

You southerners are so darn charming. I do love your cracker speak Aunty...it really lends itself to making a great story full of whimsy.

Gnomeself Be True said...

There are many types of tyranny and this one is the most insidious. It will conquer us all in the end without a shot being fired.

Aunty Belle said...

Hey y'all!!

K9, Puppy Thang,

I wanna hear yore daily zingers!! YEah, thas' it, "tryanny lite". Heh.

Leo, welcome!!

The only rights left is those that have no meanin'.

Foamy Lady!

Yes, youse a sweet lady, an' I agrees wif' yore kind approach too--Aunty doan mean no talk that is intended to draw blood.

Malinda, darlin'!!

Howlin' heah--youse a riot, ya know that? Somehow, I'se bettin' yore cookin' is jes' grand.

Romany Angel, Puddin' Pie,

Aunty is charmed by yore Aussie goodness. Why, I'se impressed ya even is willin' to read cracker-speak! But PLEASE come visit the SOUTH iffin' ya git to our side of the world--youse gonna love it!

Gnome Self, Honey Chile',

Youse discerned mah deeper meanin' in the post, aksully the last line--I knowed youse a bright fella. Ain't it sad (not yore brightness, but the soft tyranny we livin' under.)

Aunty Belle said...

Leo? Ya read Rooskie?

pamokc said...

Auntie, I love your stories. Feel like I'm there on the porch with ya'll when you go on with one like this :)

"nibble nibble nibble" -- one of our guys always said that when debating a new law that took away a little bit more freedom. Nibbling away at our rights.

Boxer said...

Aunty, you could have used the New World's lack of humor for your Mute; zzzzzzzzzzzz.

I can't agree more.

fishy said...

What a rollickin' good read Aunty!
'Bout made me snuff a mouthful of hot tea up my nose. Mebbe you could offer warning signs on some of yer postings. Fine writin', like watching a movie in your mind. I can see those sagging hips and slumped shoulders in technicolor. Would like to taste the cherry tomato candy and those pickles too!

Sadly, what you are addressing is what I call the "homogenization" of America...like driving into Anytown,USA with the same line up of chain stores and chain foods just everywhere you look. And for a country founded on individualism, in grieves me plenty to find us approaching the status of lemmings.

We'se now homongenizing the people to some small narrow confines of what to think, what to say, what to wear, what to listen to, what to watch,what to play. Even what to be... like it is no longer an individual choice or the results of your personal experiences.

On the other hand, I spect your young friend needs to be happy about the loss of his best girl. She don't sound like a winner to me. By this account she is punishing that boy for being truthful and she seems to have no appreciation for a good ol Southern boys laid back humor.
Good thing he escaped lessen he wants to be one of them lemmings.

Nuthin wrong with referencing the "milkman", here at the Pond our Blowfish still talks about fetching his shoes over to the "bootblack".

fishy said...

Aunty Belle...my junque post is up!

SophieMae said...

Now, now, Aint B, just take your Soma an' ever'thin's goan be fine. We all know that we can only offend, not be offended, so we might as well dream dopey dreams an' smile stuporfied smiles at the rest of the world. Don't smile too big, though, coz you'll surely offend somebody.

TROLL said...

I just noticed you Aunty-Bashed Kat Harris at the Troll Report.

You ever MEET that succubus?

And were you a bit tempted to vote for Half-Nelson?

Aunty Belle said...


nibble nibble indeed!! Thanky--glad ya like the stories.


Yes an what'cha bet the situation is even more pronounced by the time we git to Z for MM again?


yore analysis is a bullseye! I'se comcin' to see yore junque.

Sophie Mae,

fer a Cracker chile' youse an astoundin' smart lass.

Troll Man!

yeah, seen her up close an' personal--gag!