Oh daddy, we's in a pickle barrel of woe round heah.Uncle done throwed his back out. He will survive but it's a-gonna kill me.
You ain't neber seen nuthin' in yore life like a fella who thinks he is Gladiator personified when he be's laid low.
Low, low.
Low...as in crawlin' from the bathroom to the bed, low.
Then he couldn't git hisself upright a'tall.
The room smoked up from what he had to say 'bout it.
Ain't it odd how when a man is low-sick his voice ain't?
All the same, a fella down on his all fours, bellowin' like a wounded rhinoceros, ain't all that fiercesome. Jes' sayin'...
After an hour an' alotta sweaty heavin' "we" up got into a chair. He jes' hung his head down over his knees mumblin' 'bout how he wuz gonna make into the bed?
An' thar the poor soul sat, haid droopin' to his navel, one hand braced against the bed fer suppport while I raided mah stash of hurricane meds, called the pharmacist to see what he could take along wif the meds on his regular list.
Eve'r time he yelped, I coached, "take deep breaths, now, an' exhale slowly"
"I ain't havin' no bay-beee heah, Belle! I doan givin' a flyin fish about breathin'! Besides poppin' a kid ain't nuthin'! Heck, I can take pain, but this? This heah thang has grabbed aholt o' mah - - - an' it woan turn loose!
Two hours an' forty-three long vowel expletives more, an' "we" got in a bed. Not The bed, but a bed...across the hall on account of The bed is too high.
My job was to follow him as he lurched from bed post to door jamb, me pushin' the chair up close behind is his tremblin' thighs.
"Keep that chair under mah - - - unlessin' ya wanna' be pickin' it up offa the floor! "
Words vanished behind grunts an' pantin', "Huh-huh-uu-huh-ho-ohhho -ho -HO! Yhee! HEeee!-Yeee-yyeeHeoeooOee-HO-oeoOOO!"
By the time I git the heatin' pad tucked under him an the pillows plumped jes' so, it were 3:30 a.m.
It ain't much better today. I'll spare y'all the more graphic details of the mornin' routine except ter tell y'all that I wuz sent off to the medical supply store to rent a high chair that fits over a toilet. Seems a fella wif a wrenched back cain't risk a squattin' manuver.
When I came back wif' it I said, "We bought this'n. They doan rent 'em-- fer obvious reasons."
"How much?" he wanted to know.
"A hunnert dollars."
An odd look came over Aloysius' face. "Well, I never thought a time would come I'd take a hunnert dollar ...
"Doan say it! " I warned him. "Remember mah delicate ears.
The rest of mah delicacies done already been violated this mornin'."
The next thang is, we gotta figger how to git that man down the stairs an into mah buggy to git to the doc. He done broke out in a polar sweat jes' thinkin' of how to git hisself vertical.
I offered him a rag. He looked up in puzzlement.
I said, "Does ya remember how, in No Country for Old Men, when Anton Chigurh was awwll shot up? An' his flesh was squishin' outa his thigh? AN' how he jes' bit down on a rag an went on wif' thangs...dressed his own wounds. Ya' know, it's tough, but ya' do what ya' has to do."
"Hail yeah!" snarled Aloysius. "Thas' how a PSYCHOTIC KILLER, does thangs!
*"But, Gladiators is smart enough to git a li'l hep from Hooter's nurses an hot toddies."
Ain't shure what the doc will give him. As fer me? I ain't worriet too much more 'bout him.
*
