Oh daddy, we's in a pickle barrel of woe round heah.Uncle done throwed his back out. He will survive but it's a-gonna kill me.
You ain't neber seen nuthin' in yore life like a fella who thinks he is Gladiator personified when he be's laid low.
Low, low.
Low...as in crawlin' from the bathroom to the bed, low.
Then he couldn't git hisself upright a'tall.
The room smoked up from what he had to say 'bout it.
Ain't it odd how when a man is low-sick his voice ain't?
All the same, a fella down on his all fours, bellowin' like a wounded rhinoceros, ain't all that fiercesome. Jes' sayin'...
After an hour an' alotta sweaty heavin' "we" up got into a chair. He jes' hung his head down over his knees mumblin' 'bout how he wuz gonna make into the bed?
An' thar the poor soul sat, haid droopin' to his navel, one hand braced against the bed fer suppport while I raided mah stash of hurricane meds, called the pharmacist to see what he could take along wif the meds on his regular list.
Eve'r time he yelped, I coached, "take deep breaths, now, an' exhale slowly"
"I ain't havin' no bay-beee heah, Belle! I doan givin' a flyin fish about breathin'! Besides poppin' a kid ain't nuthin'! Heck, I can take pain, but this? This heah thang has grabbed aholt o' mah - - - an' it woan turn loose!
Two hours an' forty-three long vowel expletives more, an' "we" got in a bed. Not The bed, but a bed...across the hall on account of The bed is too high.
My job was to follow him as he lurched from bed post to door jamb, me pushin' the chair up close behind is his tremblin' thighs.
"Keep that chair under mah - - - unlessin' ya wanna' be pickin' it up offa the floor! "
Words vanished behind grunts an' pantin', "Huh-huh-uu-huh-ho-ohhho -ho -HO! Yhee! HEeee!-Yeee-yyeeHeoeooOee-HO-oeoOOO!"
By the time I git the heatin' pad tucked under him an the pillows plumped jes' so, it were 3:30 a.m.
It ain't much better today. I'll spare y'all the more graphic details of the mornin' routine except ter tell y'all that I wuz sent off to the medical supply store to rent a high chair that fits over a toilet. Seems a fella wif a wrenched back cain't risk a squattin' manuver.
When I came back wif' it I said, "We bought this'n. They doan rent 'em-- fer obvious reasons."
"How much?" he wanted to know.
"A hunnert dollars."
An odd look came over Aloysius' face. "Well, I never thought a time would come I'd take a hunnert dollar ...
"Doan say it! " I warned him. "Remember mah delicate ears.
The rest of mah delicacies done already been violated this mornin'."
The next thang is, we gotta figger how to git that man down the stairs an into mah buggy to git to the doc. He done broke out in a polar sweat jes' thinkin' of how to git hisself vertical.
I offered him a rag. He looked up in puzzlement.
I said, "Does ya remember how, in No Country for Old Men, when Anton Chigurh was awwll shot up? An' his flesh was squishin' outa his thigh? AN' how he jes' bit down on a rag an went on wif' thangs...dressed his own wounds. Ya' know, it's tough, but ya' do what ya' has to do."
"Hail yeah!" snarled Aloysius. "Thas' how a PSYCHOTIC KILLER, does thangs!
*"But, Gladiators is smart enough to git a li'l hep from Hooter's nurses an hot toddies."
Ain't shure what the doc will give him. As fer me? I ain't worriet too much more 'bout him.
*
25 comments:
The update is Uncle din't have to git hisself together, Chigurh style. Seems Gladiators also know an easy breezy doc who jes' called in a steroid an' a pain med. Iffin' Uncle ain't much improved by Friday, Doc will take a look-see.
Good evening Aunty Belle,
Both of you have my sympathy! I broke 2 vertebrae (among other things) a while ago and for the first few days I couldn't stand lay down or sit. Ended up sleeping on my feet with my butt propped in a drafting chair so I wouldn't fall over.
Antiinflammatories and muscle relaxants will likely help, I would avoid narcotics as the side effects tend to be worse than the benefits.
Finding a position he can rest in, can go a long way toward helping him recover. And the Rag, well that will help you keep your sanity.
I too know that a hurt back can bypass your brain and make your mouth say things you did not intend on.
In Uncle's defense,I would much rather be a gladiator then a psyhcotic killer, rag or not!
But, even gladiators need to have help and Uncle sure is lucky to have a loving and patient nurse such as you Aunty!
Karl,
oooh...sorry to hear of yore troubles. Ouch.
Are ya all healed now?
Genx.
aw now, Sugar, doan worry none about Uncle. Believe me, he's gettin' real fine care-an ya knows Aunty was jes' funnin' Uncle on the whole Old Country thang--jes' a little dark humor--he knowed it was all fun.
Oh Aunty! Back troubles are horrible and I'm sorry for YOU BOTH!!!
My prayers are with your Uncle as he mends.
But that said, make sure you get a full prescription of those muscle relaxants. They could be currency in the new world. ;-)
Oh Aunty!
I reckon tending to a fallen rhino-gladiator-man with a touchy back would try the patience of a saint!
It's a bit late for this, but next time you find a man down on the floor who can't get up ...call 911 where they can carry that boy off and let the Hooter nurses bring the hunert dollar pottie. You'll have to fetch things back and forth to the hospital but when you goes home, you can have a bit of a respite.
Well, I SAY that.
But one urgent time here, stubborn ol Blowfish said he would refuse to go iffen I called the ambulance for him. Oh no! INSTEAD I had to roll that man out of the house in his executive leather chair to the drive. It were nearly the end of us both trying to get his pained self into the buggy so he could arrive to the hospital feeling all gladiator rather than fallen.
That being said, I will certainly offer up prayers for Uncles recovery and your sanity.
You know, our office has just gone through a renovation and in the process we had to move heavy, bulky items around. They have these great little discs that look like cds that you just slide under the feet of whatever you're moving and slide it along. I'm bettin' that a couple or three of those strategically placed under Uncle would move things along right quick.
Wishing you and Uncle a quiet, speedy recovery.
Aunty, that photo of the rhino just cracked me up. I can imagine, I have a big tough guy hubby that turns into a baby when he's sick or in pain. Your man sounds so miserable, poor guy.
I feel bad for anyone that gets back pain, seems so debilitating. I hope he feels better. All I can say after reading your post is: you must really love the guy!
PS: Ever try acupuncture? Worked like a charm when my father broke his back. Went once and never had pain again.
Poor Uncle! POOOOOOR AUNTIE!!!! Back trouble is awful, my boss has been suffering for over a year trying not to have surgery and let it heal naturally. I have sympathy. For you and for the wounded rhino-gladiator. Is it one of those times when a person finds out they can't do what they did when they were young? I hate that!
Donkey with sore back
makes wise farmer thank him for
work usually done.
Oh no.
Don't know the root of this of course, but if it's anything like a herniated disk ... then you must forgive the poor guy for any foul language.
It's like someone stuck a knife in your spine ... a dull one.
I avoided surgery and things are back to normal for me.
Doc said no more weight lifting. I said we'll see about that.
It's been 15 years since then and no more incidents. I lift routinely and firmly believe it helped me avoid surgery and further "pain events".
I think keeping the excess weight to a minimum is pretty important and good muscle tone provides the proper tension to help hold things in place and take strain off the vertebrae.
I did change one thing ...
I no longer pick up big things without thinking about the right way to do it ... and sometimes, gulp, I ask for help.
I hope Uncle is up, painfree, and slaying his gladiatorial opponents soon.
Oh, no Aunty, that's rough! I hope Uncle recovers soon and that your ears are no longer assaulted with his curses and bellows.
I have several rainy day funds. One of course is for shoes, the other is for when S.B. and I hit our marital dotage and I have run through every last drop of my patience. Which will at that time be replaced by Astrid, the 25-year-old Swedish home care nurse.
I wish not acquiesce in on it. I assume warm-hearted post. Particularly the appellation attracted me to study the whole story.
Boxer-Babe!
Heh...yep. THe new Currency fer a New World. I hear ya Honey-CHile!!
Fishy!
Huh? We married brothers? Howlin' over Blowfishy's rolling chair.
Shamy!
Sweet Thang, whar in the same hill wuz ya Monday night when I needed that fine fine idea???
La Diva C
Ha! It is the best image, ain't it?? yep, I'se had the fella so long he's a fixture. AN' I'se had him since we's wuz babies ourselves--marriet up like Crackers do, 18 an' 20 year ole chillen's we wuz. Will suggest yore suggestion to him, but ya should know he calls it "accupriction"
PamOKC!!
"Is it one of those times when a person finds out they can't do what they did when they were young? I hate that!"
Ha! Oh yeah, ya nailed that one.
Haiku Master,
Pain medicated
donkey cursing abated
wifely efforts revered
FC!
Thanky fer all that good info--an WHEW! glad ya made yore own recovery. I Agrees wif ya--Aunty too had blowout , L-4,5. 15 years ago (oddly enough. Wuz stoopid enough to try to life a rolled up -heavy!!rug. ) No scalpel, jes' ole fashioned rehab, careful careful from then on. But..I has had plenty of "pain events" though mostly I'se fine.
The rhino-galdiator is up , shaved, dressed an' shufflin' along decently --thanks to steroids and pain meds. An gladiator attitude.
Moi!
Send Astrid right over! Does she do windows?
Anon?
Appellation tells the tale.
Good evening Aunty Belle,
It's good to read he's up and moving about. Better living through chemistry.
As far as I'm concerned, no not yet. The back hurts, but I have full range of motion. Other parts are the problem, a shoulder. It's the practice of medicine and the docs seem to think that I'm fun to practice on.
Of course, no one has offered; Astrid, the 25-year-old Swedish home care nurse. If she didn't kill me, she would surely cure me.
I'm glad to see that Uncle is getting around, for the both of you.
aint nuthin more pitiful than a broke down man. this is a great time to throw a bunch of shite out of the garage. grherhahahaha
if he can walk at all, he should walk. it is the best thing for a bad back. one of the worst things is lying in a bed. have some pretty nurse rub his psoas ...he will like that. and nobody ever wants to do this -but ice is the best medicine not heat.
i also recommend a nice fat helping of blue bell pistachio almond ice cream. always makes me feel better. git well soon uncle. i need you to send me a deer haid for my new studio.
Karl,
oh mercy--sorry to learn yore woes ain't all healed. Shall I start an
Astrid fer Karl fund among the bloggers?
K9
HA! why'nt I think of that? Git the stuff outa the buggy barn! Oh yeah!
Uncle say,psoas massage by Astrid trumps Blue Bell, even the pistachio almond. (we had to look up "psoas" )So, iffin' you can git Moi to send Astrid on down thisaway, Uncle will send ya both a deer haid. Negotiate yore own deal wif' Karl.
Genx
thanky fer yore zinger on the BACK Porch! Youse a fire thrower, huh?
When I first read the title of your post, I thought you were going to talk about something completely different what with those previous foot fetish pics. Bwahahaha
I've had back problems before but nothing like what Uncle has. Drugs and a good chiropracter is the way I roll. Hope Uncle feels better.
Next time Uncle's back gives out, call me and I'll come help you with your "buggy barn" problems. I have a large empty van and I know how to fill it.
i think your uncle and my mr foam are related. a couple years back mr foam threw his back out so bad he couldn't move or get up. he called the doctor's office to try to get a prescription for pain med. he was 'smokin' up the room so bad with his language as he spoke to the receptionist that she hung up. we complained about the hanging up though. folks in intense pain can't help themselves at times.
hope uncle is feeling much better by now though.
I know it sounds odd, but I would love to have my back go out. All of my crippling is in the mind. And, I have done things that would put most men in the hospital or worse, only to get mere bruises, when I am able to break the psychic shackles that often bind me. Still, I can have sympathy, if not quite empathy. And for both of you. I regret the burden I am to the women who have been in my life, and some who still are. For your deeds, surely you are a blessed woman.
Owie, Auntie! If it's just muscle issues, I need to introduce you to the roller ball thingy. It's the best twenty bucks I've ever spent. Seriously. It has magic healing powers.
http://www.bathandbodyworks.com/product/index.jsp?productId=2095765&CAWELAID=328579137
feel better soon. xo.
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