Ladies Only, Please

Sweet Petunias, heah's the hard truth:

To git ready for turnin' over a new leaf an' enterin' the New Year as the New Me, I'se been exfoliated, masked and collengenated, lymphatically drained and dipiliated, pedicured, manicured, an' ginger souffled from shin to chin.

I'se lemon cleansed, an' juiced (mah blood caffeine level is so low I'se made medical history: the first catatonic known to blog.) Mah tresses is glossed an' tossed anew.

I did stop short of lipo-laser deaugmentation thigh therapy. Oh, an I also skipped the $180 ounce anti-agin' agent, cleveahly repurposed bird poop direct from Guanine Geisha. Reckon I ain't desperate enough to pay some leggy yoot to smear bird crap into mah wrinkles. Dignity counts fer somethin'.

So... I'se still headed into 2010 as a faded blossom. Nature will have the last word.

Jes' thought y'all oughta know.



Unknown said...

Ooooh, what I would give for a spa day like that! Sounds like bliss, except for the leggy yoots. Are you going caffeine free Aunty?

pamokc said...

By the way, post above is from me

sparringK9 said...

truer words were never spoken. be what it is you are! looking back and pining for what was sacrifices the beauties of the now. let nature have her path and enjoy each chapter.

nice rose!

Aunty Belle said...


neber made it to no spa--these is home treatments, 'ceptin' the hair--whar they tries to funnel ya into the lio-laser medical spa next door. Heh.

K9 Pup, I hear that. I'se more-less serene about it all. Less when I look in the mirror. More when I recall I'se really had mah fair share of the goody of prior decades, an' I'se thankful fer it.

marmee said...

quite clever...you are way smarter than me.
thanks for visiting me...i am wishing you the happiest new year of all so far and looking forward to a picture of the newly transformed you.
happy january.

Big Shamu said...

Happy New Year Aunty. Sadly you are speaking gibberish to this poor soul but if it makes you feel good, that's good enough for me.

Buzz Kill said...

The Mrs and her mother did some kind of spa thing the other day. Whatever it was it took 3 hours and they seemed to like it. Guys don't get this.

Happy NY!

fishy said...

you got a hot date tonight?

Aunty Belle said...

Hey Marmee!

Oh how beautiful yore home wuz fer Christmas! Jes' so lovely. Thanky fer sharin' yore pictures on the blog. A treat!

Mah efforts to "improve" mah image is more about a decent clean-up than a beauty routine.


Look chile' , ya ain't lost--a body who makes fabulous dim sum is far ahead of any goop spread on the face.


heh...well some guys might soon--thar's a whole industry meant to appeal to menfolks who want to soften their skin, color they hair (or what's left of it) an even add color to they --well, nevermind. That ain't you, clearly. But the REAL question is does ya like the results on the Mrs?


Puh lease. Doan ya know it were the football-o-rama? Uncle never moved outa his chair all day OR night. I figger he had a catheter under thar' somewhar' so he din't need to make the outhouse.

moi said...

I once did an expose on all those spa "treatments" that are supposed to be so beautifying, healthifying, and anti-agifying. It's all bird poopie, so to speak. The only way not to age is to die young. Not smoking, limited alcohol, wearing sunscreen, and a good set of genes helps, too. But that's about it. You know what one is never too old for though? A great pair of SHOES.

Happy New Year Aunty!

Kymical Reactions said...

Oh Auntie! I would love to know your home remedies for spa night. Mine don't get much more involved than taking the polish off my toes and reapplying. le sigh.

Kymical Reactions said...

oh, come visit me for some fun blizzard pictures. They're a hilarious.

fishy said...

Uncle sounds smart to me, gets to hang out with his favorite rose and see some football?

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Jenny said...

After working for the Large Retailer and seeing the amount of money spent just to MARKET these products, I stick with my 100% shea butter.

But the hair? I let the experts mess with that.

Aunty Belle said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Aunty Belle said...


Send us a linky to that expose! It is all bird poopie fer shure!

Boxer-Babe--I know I know--me an Uncle was in a Nordstrom's yesterday--one of the four times n his life he has seen a make-up counter. We could NOT believe the hype or the prices--horrors!


Baby Girl, I is so pleased youse thawed out...heh (Folks go read about Kym's survival story!)

As to Aunty's home made beauty( ??) tips? Heah's a few:

From Sally Beauty Supply a 5 buck tube of Vitamin C exfoliatin' cream--wash yore face wif' it three times a week, then leave a warm wet cloth over yore face fer 5 minutes to hydrate (This is fer ole hags wif' dry skin).

Next squeeze a few lines of any brand of "collagen filler" (drug store stuff is fine) into yore worst craters ( laugh lines) an let it absorb into your warm skin.

Afterwards, goop on some of Sally's Vitamin C (cheap!) moisturizin' cream.

Fer a good bath:

Pick some fresh rosemary from yore garden--about a handful, put it under the spout an' turn on hottest water in yore tub, pour 1 cup epsom salt, swish around. When water is cool enough fer yore bare self, soak in this fragrant soothin' bath fer 20 minutes. (Rosemary is energizin' so this is a day routine--not before bed! Fer bedtime, use lavender leaves from the garden)

After youse soaked 20 minutes, use one of them exfoliatin' gloves to rub yore skin down--I put bath gel on mah glove --to exfoliate yore birthday suit.

Let water out of tub, then shower off in clean water fer 2 mintues.

Get out, pat dry, an slather cold pressed apricot kernel oil over yoreself. Wrap up in warm bathrobe an lie down fer 10 mintues to say yore prayers while the apricot oil sinks into yore skin.

This is a grand time to put on yore silky unmentionables cause yore skin is SO nice now...heh.

I admits to the luxury of regular manicures and pedicures. An onc't in ahwile I treat mahself to Guinot's anti-wrinkel cream, but not much any more cause though it feels heavenly, I ain't sure it does no more than the cheap vitamin C cream.

On hair:
I tries to keep wif'a good stylist who can give ya a great cut. Mah hair is straight an' I is LAZY about beauty, so mah hair style is SIMPLE. One rule: it has to be jes' long enough to clamp up in a claw-thingy so it is outa mah face when I is in the garden or cookin' or typin'.

About color:

Aunty is LAZY. I cain't be goin' to no colorist every ten days. I'se a blond goin' gray an thas' fine wif me...well, okay...I does have mah tresses "glossed" about every 3 months--it is a wash out process that merely coats the hair wif' a bit more shine than ole
ladies naturally have. Ya can have faint color of yore own hair added to the glossin' to tone down the gray...it does not "cover" gray, jes' makes the gray shiny an "glossed" wif a bit of yore own color. It ain't fer ladies who hate their gray, cause youse STILL gray, jes less so. (see photo added to bottom of this post)

........NOT that any of the above means Aunty is some paragon of aged faded has been, washed up, over-the-hill-womanhood. I'se jes' workin' on the " bein' the best ya can be at whatever stage/ age" principle.

But the best beauty secret is to take a decent multi vitamin every day, drink 3 cups of cawfee (Yes it IS good for ya!) each an ounce of dark choc (YES! it IS good fer ya!) And ....and ...

best secret of all:Hyaluronic Acid supplement.

Aunty's Worst beauty failure?
I detest sweaty exercise.

Yores? How about on Tuesday I post a Bloggers come clean beauty secret post?

SophieMae said...

I never looked my age till I lost the XX lbs brought on by a lazy menopausal thyroid. No more fat to fill in the saggy/wrinkly places. >8-\

I just, finally, read yer uncle/catheter remark... memo to me: swaller afore readin' Aunt B's scrawlin'.

Jenny said...

I came to check the last photo.....

sneaky. :-)

and pretty.

moi said...

Hey, how did I miss the last photo? Sneaky indeed. But enough for me to know, you don't need bird poopie, that's for sure :o) LOVE your hair. I'm of the same mind. It has to be short enough for me to deal with, long enough to put up when I run and the other 99.9 percent of the time I'm too lazy to style it.

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