All the cards I never sent

Ya'll, Aunty Belle has two kinds of cards that never does make it ter a recipient:

The cards that seemed good in the rack at Walgreen's --or even them fancy so-fist-ticated papyrus purveyors, but when time comes ter send them, they doan fit the person ya' wanna send a card to--

Sympathy cards that creep me out wif' all that mauldin, moanin' rhyme.

Get well cards that sound as if the evil sickness gnome snatched ya and iffin' ya shake ya'self real hard ya could get loose, so "cheer up and shake it off!!"

(well, I did see ONE good "get well" card: The cover showed a Grinch grin on a fella wif' naughtily dressed nurse in attendance, a stack of sports mags, and box of chocolate cigars, and a get well note from his employer. Opened up, the message said: "Well is a realtive state of being". )

Onc't I stood in a card shop in Park City (Better to shop than drop...off the gondolas). Theah I was...jes' snickerin' and doubling over ter hide mah howlin' face. Why darlin's they was the funniest most irreverent cards I ever did read--but lawdy, who does ya send them thangs to?

I did buy the Birthday fairy card in that store--has ya'll seen it? An ageing Madam , a Hermonie Gringold-ish fairy is dressed like Glenda in Wizard of Oz, carries her fairy wand with which to tap the chosen, whose birthday it is, to turn them another year older, and the inside reads:

"Oh my God she must have beat the hell out of you!"

( I gave it to a friend who said she knew jes' who ter send it to--lost mah own nerve, ya' see and could not send that to nobody I knows, those they's some that do qualify--but they worked hard for them signs of distiction, ain't like Aunty to jeer at that.)


Next is them cards that is jes' too funny, too visially perfect ter ever part wif'.
So I keeps them in a drawer and reads 'em whenever I think I needs ter reform mahself and stop pilin' up piles of stuff. But I cain't do it!! I swear, chillen', some of these cards is like mah own babies--cain't bear ter be wif'out 'em.


Ya'll know those IN YOUR FACE cards? How 'bout the one with'a wizened ole' monk hands folded in prayer: "May you always have a warm bed, a hot meal and someone to share them with..." The inside shows a bat-winged satan presiding over a firey red hell of gigged and chained souls, "like attorneys, mass murderes and telemarketers...congressmmen."

I have a dear evocation of childhood dusk, a pale pinky grey sky with Winklin Blinkin' and Nod-like characters rowing a boat across the stars wiith two big saftey pins to repair a tear (rip) in cosmos..it reads, "For any tears on your horizon"...

OK, mah favorite mean card is this pitifully endomorphic woman standing on a beach,her bow mouth and Betty-boop eyes starring out from her balded head in a bathing cap, ham sized upper arms hanging heavily down the sides of her chunky tummy, in a blue tank suit enhanced with a pleated ruffle at the thighline, doughy knees splaying her feet to a terminal slew-footed stance. Inside: "I think the ruffle really makes a difference, don't you?"

( I did NOT send this thang to anybody--but I seen this woman, I think--in the mirror!)

Fer old folks, the TOMATO cards is a good chuckle--two old geezers in black dress socks with they shorts and tennis shoes, sunken chested, knobby knuckles, canes and eye glasses --sittin' on a bench. "SOB! (cried the first) "I'm married to a 21 year old cheerleader who is gorgeous and hot and all over me!

"Then why are you crying?" (Asked the second geezer)

Inside:"I can't remember where I live!"

For a sweeter sentiment, I likes the Patience Brewster art work--lovely cards--but I ain't keen on most of the messages....too sweet, mebbe.