All the cards I never sent

Ya'll, Aunty Belle has two kinds of cards that never does make it ter a recipient:

The cards that seemed good in the rack at Walgreen's --or even them fancy so-fist-ticated papyrus purveyors, but when time comes ter send them, they doan fit the person ya' wanna send a card to--

Sympathy cards that creep me out wif' all that mauldin, moanin' rhyme.

Get well cards that sound as if the evil sickness gnome snatched ya and iffin' ya shake ya'self real hard ya could get loose, so "cheer up and shake it off!!"

(well, I did see ONE good "get well" card: The cover showed a Grinch grin on a fella wif' naughtily dressed nurse in attendance, a stack of sports mags, and box of chocolate cigars, and a get well note from his employer. Opened up, the message said: "Well is a realtive state of being". )

Onc't I stood in a card shop in Park City (Better to shop than drop...off the gondolas). Theah I was...jes' snickerin' and doubling over ter hide mah howlin' face. Why darlin's they was the funniest most irreverent cards I ever did read--but lawdy, who does ya send them thangs to?

I did buy the Birthday fairy card in that store--has ya'll seen it? An ageing Madam , a Hermonie Gringold-ish fairy is dressed like Glenda in Wizard of Oz, carries her fairy wand with which to tap the chosen, whose birthday it is, to turn them another year older, and the inside reads:

"Oh my God she must have beat the hell out of you!"

( I gave it to a friend who said she knew jes' who ter send it to--lost mah own nerve, ya' see and could not send that to nobody I knows, those they's some that do qualify--but they worked hard for them signs of distiction, ain't like Aunty to jeer at that.)

Next is them cards that is jes' too funny, too visially perfect ter ever part wif'.
So I keeps them in a drawer and reads 'em whenever I think I needs ter reform mahself and stop pilin' up piles of stuff. But I cain't do it!! I swear, chillen', some of these cards is like mah own babies--cain't bear ter be wif'out 'em.

Ya'll know those IN YOUR FACE cards? How 'bout the one with'a wizened ole' monk hands folded in prayer: "May you always have a warm bed, a hot meal and someone to share them with..." The inside shows a bat-winged satan presiding over a firey red hell of gigged and chained souls, "like attorneys, mass murderes and telemarketers...congressmmen."

I have a dear evocation of childhood dusk, a pale pinky grey sky with Winklin Blinkin' and Nod-like characters rowing a boat across the stars wiith two big saftey pins to repair a tear (rip) in cosmos..it reads, "For any tears on your horizon"...

OK, mah favorite mean card is this pitifully endomorphic woman standing on a beach,her bow mouth and Betty-boop eyes starring out from her balded head in a bathing cap, ham sized upper arms hanging heavily down the sides of her chunky tummy, in a blue tank suit enhanced with a pleated ruffle at the thighline, doughy knees splaying her feet to a terminal slew-footed stance. Inside: "I think the ruffle really makes a difference, don't you?"

( I did NOT send this thang to anybody--but I seen this woman, I think--in the mirror!)

Fer old folks, the TOMATO cards is a good chuckle--two old geezers in black dress socks with they shorts and tennis shoes, sunken chested, knobby knuckles, canes and eye glasses --sittin' on a bench. "SOB! (cried the first) "I'm married to a 21 year old cheerleader who is gorgeous and hot and all over me!

"Then why are you crying?" (Asked the second geezer)

Inside:"I can't remember where I live!"

For a sweeter sentiment, I likes the Patience Brewster art work--lovely cards--but I ain't keen on most of the messages....too sweet, mebbe.


sparringK9 said...

/bark bark bark

aunty, i have this card thats shows a horse's ass.
inside it reads: thinking of you.
but ive never sent it out..it amuses me too much.


Bird said...

Good mornin' Aunty Belle,
Saw you came by my roost rather early today - but you looked at the wrong place - new post is up - text and photos! Drop on by for some traveler's tales.

i picked up a few cards in thailand - pretty, delicate, handmade things made from saa paper, but no words...i particularly like blank sympathy cards - i'd rather write my own cliche message than send a canned, Hallmark one.

Mr Q said...

I owe cards to a lot of people, I have received cards, paintings, books and feel guilty that I am either too lazy or busy to take a few minutes to say something, the problem is that I want to say so much that i never do. But instead i go to great lenghts to deliver the message in person, wheter it is Ohio or Kaliphornia or Mychigan or Gorgia or North Karol or Vainginia or Asia or South America. I just love the look of these people when they open the door, I get to see how they like my response to their cards.
Aunty, about books. Well there is a few that I've been voluntold to read, but is just stuff that almost nobody wants or needs, job aids and how to's and there are lots of questions on the back page. I would enjoy some sort of physics book for dummies though, something that shows you origamy or creating solar power, as a kid i dreamt of building complex electronic and mechanical devices but I was too poor to afford learning about them.

Aunty Belle said...

Hey ya'll...yep Pup, better not send that one--but 'tis funny.

Hey Bird, Jewel of the Air, can ya scan those thai cards fer us? Youse onto the right path--sympathy cards caint' be canned. Yick!

Mr Q! Youse makin' me wish't that ya' owed Autny Belle a card..mercy! Bet ya friends so gasp when they see ya at the door. Fun guy.

As fer books--ya wants physics fer dummies? Hey, me too. Closest I ever came was a cook book that explained the chemistry and physics of how food was made edible--never made those recipies, but it was intriguing to see why salt and vinegar is a good copper cleaner.

So, Q, honey, ya doan read no fiction? Not even spy thiller or two? I likes Alan Furst--realistic WWII era spy stories.

Malinda777 said...

OK Auntie Belle, you bring out the "inherited" cajun in me. If I didn't know better, you and I would be havin a snort at the Old Dock of the Bay bar after a bit of a sermon in Bay St. Louis MS. before Miss Katrina blew the idea away.

Now ya know why I use the American Greeting Print & Send, 'cause I can't get into any trouble sendin those REAL cards I run acrost too.

Aunty Belle said...

Malinda, honey--youse prob'ly right--in fact, I was born in Mississippi, got folks along the coast and up into Red Stick. I'll whip ya' up a mess o' crawdad etoufee iffin' ya head mah way, sweetie. But bring Aunnty Bleel one o' yer best cards!!

Mayden' s Voyage said...

Oh- don't get sick when I tell you this- but I make my own cards :)
Not all of them of course, but a lot- with rubber stamps and colored pencils, pretty stickers, ribbons- all that stuff.
Makes it so much more personal.
I think I could come up with a whole line of cards just based on the bloggers I've met! :)

Hey- one day, when I have way too much time on my hands- I'll do it :)

Aunty Belle said...

Why Mayden--chile! Youse onto sompin' fer shure!! I akshully does thaink that folks would identify wif' all the bloggin' lingo and situations--ya could create an entire line--very very funny.

..................... said...

Hey auntie,

i guess i have a bunch of irreverant and tacky friends.....
i have no problems finding folks to send that type of card to.

I'm with you on the sympathy cards.. while moving i came across a few that I never did send out...

Bird said...

one year i made a few special christmas cards - by cutting up old christmas cards and making a few recyled, collage-type christmas cards. lots of fun.

hmmmm - i have one thai card left (have sent the others) but i'll see what i can do about scanning -though i don't know if the one i have left would represent well online.

Aunty Belle said...

Hey Schaumi,
youse brave ter send them thangs--does ya find egg on yer windows the next day?? (grin).

Bird Beauty, yes!! We'uns would like ter see yore Thai card...did ya pick up some cookin' tips fer Thai food? I likes it, but uncle...well, ya saw the post on "Does ya'll go ter dinner next door" so ya' knows what I'm dealin' wif' when it comes to Uncle and his vittles.

Bird said...

AB: no time for scanning today...i will try to get to it.

at some point, i have a thai food post to do. oh the curries! oh the fish! oh the fruit!

but my favorites: steamed snakehead fish (crispy crust, and moist, tender, sweet fish inside). and yum tum soup - which is quite spicy and has squid, scallops, shrimp and water mimosa (a green).

i came home with lots of homegrown, home-roasted thai red chili peppers (compliments of my hosts). heaven! saute with a little olive oil (only need one or two at best) and add to whatever meat you're fixing - serve with plenty of rice though - to cut the bite. an ice cold beer helps too. it's a slow burn -and is cumulative (sp).

oh dear - i think i just did part of my thai food blog as a comment on your blog - oh well!