Uncle ain't no Mr. Fix-It unlessin' ya' count fixin' pouty wimmen wif' flowers or wine or candy or somethin' purty in a wee li'l package.
( I wish!!)This mornin' he be frustrated as a squirrel wif' a plastic peanut. He tried to reprogram the buggy barn opener--no luck, so after 20 minutes on the phone wif' some 18 yr. ole who gave this wise advice, "You may need to buy a new unit" he decided to replace the battery in his remote key thangy--similar results.
Aunty's job in all this is to keep his masculine spirits up an' entertain him wif' news of the day--or choice tidbits sure to keep his blood pressure up to speed in case the mechanical woes ain't sufficient fer that.
"Well, now, looky heah, Aloysius. Can ya' imagine this--they's gonna let loose some mosquitoes what's been genetically modified into the Florida Keys. Say it's gonna git rid of Dengue fever--funny, I never knowed Florida had Dengue Fever. Reckon nobody worries what new plague GMO skeeters may bring?
By the time the remote key were spread over the whole table Uncle wuz primed fer Ted Nugent tellin' Piers Morgan to "suck my machine gun."
Two trips to the Office Mart fer printer ink--the first to get the ink, the second to return the colored ink fer back only ink--an the poor ole fella were ready fer that Swamp show--a step below American Pickers (which name Aunty thinks is revoltin').
"Aunty!" he hollered. "look up that show, YA DOAN KNOW DIXIE, the one we seen on History channel--is it On Demand? I need to heah how them Cajun boys teach that as long as thar's ditches, thar's dinner....how they always find somethin' to stew or fry when times be tough."
"Aloysius, times is tough enough wif' out yore thinkin' to catch our vittles in no ditch."
"Ain't thinkin' to eat it, Belle, jes' to catch somethin' in an urban test of mah wits--fer shure I cain't master urban batteries or ' ink 101. Catchin' or trappin' or gigin'? That I can do. By the way, they grow Tilapia in ditches--I seen it in Honduras."
"Yeah...thas' why I doan eat it, Aloysius."
