* * * This was yesterday:
"Thank you for calling Weasel Works Inc. To continue in English, please press 8.
You have reached the help line. If you know your party's extension you may press it now. Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line: One of our representatives will be with you shortly."
Six bars of a hungover breathy vocalist in an echo chamber.
"Thank you for holding, someone will be with you momentarily. "
Breathy finishes her loop.
"At the close of this call we invite you to participate in a brief survey. Weasel Works values your input. Please hold the line, your representative will be with you shortly."
Another trio of loops. Non-calming, calming muzak. Four minutes.
"Thank you for holding. Your patience is appreciated. This call may be monitored for quality assurance. "
Is anythang NOT monitored these days?
"Hello. Thank you for calling Weasel Works. My name is Wih-wo. I am happy to be of assistance. May I have you name pwease?
Mrs. Cracker.
"How are you today, Mrs. Cwacker?
Uh, fine. An,' thas' CRrr-acker.
"Well, mam, that's good to hear. I am pweased that your day is going so nii-i."
Thanks. Um, didn't catch yore name, did'ja say Wih-woe?
"Yes, my American name is Wi-wo. Like the tree. I will assist you today. What may I do for you?"
Interesting. Well, I needed to ---
"Whatever you need, it's my pweasure to assist you today, Mrs. Cwacker, how may I be of help?"
I need to--
"Mrs. Cwacker, I am vewy saw-we, may I ask you to hold for a moment? Just a moment, pwease."
uh, well--
"Thank you. Pwease hold."
Grrrr! Why do they do this? People need jobs ya' know--hire more customer service reps, for Pete's sake! No wonder China is soaring to 5.3% GDP, half their workforce ain't sittin' on hold.
Ok, relax, Aunty. Jes' scan the news feed:
The dollar down, Vancouver real estate is up. (Why in the heck is them Chinese immis so in luv wif' Vancouver anyway?) Hamas is staging another riot via Facebook. Heh. Facebook is a Weapon of Mass Deception.
Rupert's 3rd wife is buyin' up Russian contemporary art...gag this new stuff is dumber than Rothko.
Wih-woe? hello? Oh Willow? C'mon, lady, puh-leeeze...ain't got all mornin' fer this...
Men are contracting mouth cancers five times more than in 1970...oh man, this Weiner jerk...din't he learn nuthin' from Ahrno? Wait, ya know what? I'm sorry. If ya's born a Weiner ya' know from babyhood not to give people an excuse. Jes' sayin'.
Boeing hacked, Gmail phished, Serbians protest Mladic's arrest, Aussies want Syrians arrested, Germans are dying from E. coli cucumbers...
Hello? He-LOOOOH? HELL-oh, Hell--
"Mrs Cwacker?"
O. hello, I thought you forgot me. I was about to press 9 for the operator.
"Thank you for holding, mam. Now I am able to assist you."
Well, thas' good ' cause I called today wif' a question--
"Saw-wee, mam, before we begin, may I update your information, pwease. "
Uh, no. I mean, it's the same. No changes. Now, I needed to--
"Saw-we, but pwease. I do need to update our records. It's for your benefit, mam."
No it's not. It doesn't benefit me.
"Excuse me? I just need to ask you a few questions, Mrs. Cwacker."
CRRRRRrr-acker. Thas' c-RACK-er.
"I am sorry you are having difficulty, now, pwease, if I may begin--"
I'm having difficulty?
beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep
What is that noise?
"Noise? No noise, Mam, there are just a few questions for our records."
No! No, wait, Willow, I called you for a specific need but you --
"Mam, this is no pwoblem, pwease now, very short questions--"
NO WILLOW! Sorry, but look, I really do not have time for this. I called
with a specific --
beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep
"It's important to me that you are a satisfied customer of Weasel Works, Mrs. Cwacker. I understand you want to--"
Did you hear that? There IS a noise. A beep.
"...ask about your account, but that will be a much smoother process if you will kindly awow me to update our--"
Willow, pronounce yore els. Even Crackers pronounce they els! Git it? ALaLaLaLLLow.
"Saw-wy mam. Now, is your number still--"
Stop! Listen: I'm not a rude person but I did not call to give you information but to get information. The information you have on me is current, OK? So-
beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep
"Mam, mam. Pwease, do not distress yourself. Our desire is to be of assistance and I will help you in one moment if you can be patient, pwease, so I can do the the vewy best for you. Now, I ask only --"
What is that noise? I know ya' hear it. beep beeeeep. Hear that? Don't pretend ya' doan hear it.
"...that you answer a--"
Stop. Willow, let's begin with why I'se callin' Weasel Works in the first place, shall we? It is a matter of the pecking order--an' I am first.
I'se the customer. Them's the rules. Now--
"I am vewy sawee Mrs Cwacker, but I must ask you to pwease remain calm so that I may assist you. I can help you. "
beep beep beep beep beep.
Listen Wih-woe, this line is recorded, right? GREAT! Now listen up recorder ears, I am beyond aggravated. Did'ja git that? The whole sloshing country is circling the drain and it is very probable that it began here!
beep beep beep beep
No, really. I mean it. Decent People call here, tryin' to git one leeetle ole' question answered and they go stark raving ballistic listening to Wih-woe try to deflect us from our goal--doan ya' know how hard most of us work to keep our focus? There are whole books written on keeping our focus. It's the path to success. BUT NOoooooo, Wih-woe is sent to deflect Americans by keepin' them on hold until their brains is Muzaked an' runnin' out they ears. Listen, that is probably what happened to that Weiner man, he jes' got so BORED waiting on hold he started using his phone in, ah, funny ways. Listen, I know what you are thinkin' but doan go there, 'cause millions of Americans are on hold right now in their underwear--gracious, I mahself is batiste, so doan think it ain't normal-- akshully really cool people do it-- but the longer youse on hold wif' a voice wif' no els ya' start to wonder whar' the real world is. See whar' I am goin' with this? Y'all is causing existential crisis.
Oh ferGIT it! Iffin' I wanna have this much fun I can just call the Nestle Hotline
